"Because I Am"

For Thanksgiving this year, my wife and I decided to just spend the time as a small family. Usually we go to my parents house, or they come to ours, but this year we wanted things to be different. It was really hard coming to this decision, I kind of felt guilty for not including others on this day of looking back, but we decided to try it out.

The day was calm, quiet, peaceful, and full of fun. About mid-day we decided to go to the local park. The wind was perfect for flying kites, and having found one recently at our local thrift store, we took it along. The park was full of people. There was about 20 young men having a before lunch game of tackle foot-ball; it looked like a lot of fun. The wind was perfect for kite flying. We let the string out slightly and the kite took to the skies like it missed the experience.

The sun was out, but it was still cold. We were all well bundled for the experience, but as little boys will, they soon had most of their outer garments off. My youngest son found a mud puddle, and managed to soak his entire lower half within 5 minutes of our arrival - luckily we had a second set of clothes for him and he was soon off and running again.

I was taking pictures and videos of the family. In one of them my youngest son is featured and he's complaining about how cold he is. "I'm cold" he says. "Why are you cold?" I ask. "Because I am." he says, looking at me like I'm kind of stupid. No further explanation is needed or offered.

I liked his simplicity. I liked it because I'm always making things more complicated than they have to be and it makes life exhausting. Like the decision to just be a family on Thanksgiving. Why did I feel like I needed a good excuse to not run around like a turkey with my head cut-off (pun intended)? It's enough to want to, that's it, no further explanation is needed or offered.

When Jesus died for me he simply said, "It is finished." He could have given a sermon, or made us all feel guilty about his death, but that is not what he did. "It is finished." Nothing else needs to be done. It's completed. A good reason for Thanksgiving...

Couds

Off white, they float across my path.

The darker ones I try to miss - they can hurt.

In I go, I feel like I'm jumping off a cliff, what will happen inside?

I'm only suprised by the smoothness, everything else is expected.

CFI for Life

Just read the article in AOPA Training magazine (December 2007) about a Certified Flight Instructor (CFI) who has been instructing for a long time. I admire this guy who has made a commitment to doing the same thing for a long time, a rare condition in today's world of fast change. It seems he had another career, then during his retirement took up instructing full time.

When I was instructing (for four years) there were very few instructors who had instructed as long as I had. I think the average for the schools I worked in was about 12 months. When I left, the most senior instructor had about 300 hours of instructing experience.

When I started instructing, I really thought that I might choose instructing for a career. I enjoyed the challenge of teaching people how to fly airplanes, and found great satisfaction in the profession. But soon, I started encountering the frustrations of the job including exceedingly low pay, high risk/stress, lack of reliable income, aging equipment, reduction in training finance options, increasing insurance costs, hostile public and a political environment seemingly bent on killing general aviation. I could see that the future of general aviation was headed downhill as fewer and fewer people could afford the training.

Possibly, when I've spent my productive years earning required resources, I might be able to pick up the profession again. I hope that there will still be a market for flight instructing (outside of the airlines) in the future, and that people will be able to afford this awesome opportunity, but I have my doubts. I applaud those who are willing to stick it out in a faltering industry.

Making Room for Life

I was flying over Eastern Oregon last week, looking at the multiple water reservoirs, and the streams that usually feed them. The streams have dried up from summer, but the scars they left on the earth are still easily seen from 10,000 ft. I could see the man made dams created to hold water in a particular location, keeping it from running on its way to the next low spot. The purpose of the dams is to store water during times of plenty, for the hot summer when Eastern Oregon's rain shadow keeps the land dry. The dams usually hold enough for the sparse populations and their agricultural pursuits to get through the summer.

I thought about how life is similar to a stream of water, constantly running, passing us buy. Sometimes it seems that life is full to the banks, even gushing over and touching others. Sometimes life is just barely evident as we trudge through long, hot days. I thought about how I could build "dams" during times of blessing and rest to help get me through the tough spots. I think this means purposefully stopping and taking inventory of the many things I have to be thankful for, recording them in some fashion so when the discontent comes, I can pull from my time of plenty, my "dams". More thought needed here to flush this out further.

Another thought; when the streams dry up, and the only water left is in the dams, the scars on the earth from where the streams were are very evident. I think the parallel here is that when life is full, it takes it's toll on us, washing away spots of life which will never return. We don't see this erosion until the streams dry up and we can look at life a little closer. When we start to see the apparent damage, it can put us into a depression. Life is meant to be spent however, we only have so much time. It's how we spend our time that will determine our legacy.

Blind Cat

My cat, who is twelve years old, started acting weird the other night. He normally gets us up at around 5:00 a.m. every morning to go outside, but on this occasion he was up all night. We took him to the vet and were told that he might have lost his eyesight, or suddenly lost part of it due to a thyroid problem. The vet is not sure, but took a blood test and determined that the thyroid "might" be the problem, we are putting him on thyroid pills to see if they help.

I can't imagine waking up and not being able to see. I really felt sorry for the little guy, he was probably scared and was trying to let us know something was wrong. Sometimes I wish animals could talk and tell you what they were thinking.

Learning to Walk

I will never forget the first steps made by my children. They each started at a different time, when they were ready. My oldest took the longest time to start walking. She did not walk until she was around 18 months old, preferring to scoot along on her bottom, pulling her little body along the floor with her legs. She refused to crawl, ever, because she could not carry things in her hands while crawling, so she just scooted along through life, doing just fine.

When they began to experiment with walking, my wife and I were right there, watching every step, ready to help as needed. We would hold their hands and encourage them along, "You're doing great, keep going!", Smiling at them and doing everything possible short of taking their steps. Yet, in spite of all our efforts, they would often fall. Every parent knows that falling is part of learning to walk. When your child is taking those faltering steps, you're ready to keep them from really getting hurt, but they must fall, its part of the process. My wife was probably a little more concerned for the kids than I was through this process. I'm more logical..I mean, their only 2 feet tall, how far can they fall? Now if I were to fall, from my six feet, that would be an entirely different story...

I've seen pictures of adults learning to walk again after a serious injury. It's not something I want to experience. What is a rather natural and simple process as a child, is hugely inconvenient and uncomfortable as an adult. It's much better to learn when you are young. Along the same lines, I think it's easier to learn the hard lessons in life early, if you can. Take the big risks early, explore, live life fully while you can still recover with little effort, because once your bones stop growing...its a whole lot harder to recover from a fall.

Dying in Community

How do you die well? I mean, when its my time to die, how am I going to let everyone know (If I have the option of course). Will I just slowly slip away, or will I be open about it and bring my family into the process with me? I think it's an important question, as dying can be one of the most impacting things we will do. Impacting in that those left behind will remember vividly the moment, be it good or bad.

One of my two grandma's died last week. I found out just before taking off on my run. Dad left a message telling me she died the night before. There was no funeral, just a family get together to remember her life. I was not surprised by the news.

About a month ago, grandma was told she would be dying soon by her doctor. She had a tumor that was quite large and would not be removed (would cause more harm than good). Grandma wanted to see the whole family one last time before she died, so my parents (whom she was living with) called everyone and asked them to assemble. I think everyone came gladly, unfortunately, we need an excuse to all get together, and this was a good one. It was a great time together, grandma was really excited to have everyone there, just for her, and you would never have known that her days were literally numbered. She was happy, laughing, talking nonstop and really "alive". That is how I will remember her, in the middle of a lively conversation, in the center of her family.

The same group assembled yesterday, to just be together and remember grandma's life. There were a few tears, mostly laughter as we recounted story after story from grandma's life, and our own. We found that a story about grandma (from the past) would inevitably be linked to a story about another life (in the present). We were of course sad that her physical body was not there with us, but happy in the fact that we had known her, loved her, and been touched by her life.
As she had lived in community with us, so had she died, and provided a example for the rest of us to follow when our time comes.

So, although I'm still not sure how I will handle the transition of this life to the next, I do have one more example of how to die well. I'm sure it will affect my final actions, and the way I interact with those around me when I die - Thanks Grandma.

Obsession?

My wife called the other day to tell me that my 3 year old son could think of nothing but the Christmas candy (chocolate!) she had recently purchased. He could not eat, sleep or play, but was following her around, continually asking when he could have some of the candy. While we were talking, I could hear him in the background saying, "Can I have some now?" We had a good laugh over it, poor little guy.

I got to thinking about that experience on my flight home that night, about how my son was basically obsessed with the Christmas candy. I began wondering why people have the capacity to obsess over things. I mean, why would God make us that way, knowing that we often obsess over unimportant things (like chocolate)? What possible good could come from this human trait?

My thoughts then went to when I fell in love with my wife. I was basically obsessed with her for a time, all I could think of was her, and everything in life changed. There was a period of time when I ate less, slept less and basically followed her around all day, just wanting to be with her. It was this time together which basically laid the foundation for our relationship. We got to know each other more in six months than I know any other person on earth, and it was my obsession for her that motivated me to know her. Now, the obsession was short lived, it would be abnormal for it to continue forever, and I should not feel guilty for this, or try to recreate that time in our relationship. It was a stage in the normal progression of relationships. We still love each other very much, and our thoughts revolve around each other, but that all consuming nature of that first obsession has gone.

The same thing happened to me when I first met God. He was all I could think about for a short time. I could not put down the Bible, and my thoughts were consumed with who God was, and what that meant for my life. I've tried to re-create that time of life, that closeness, but I just can't, and I'm thinking that I shouldn't try anymore. I mean, its not that I'm giving up on God, rather, I feel like I need to start putting into practice what He has taught me, looking to other people rather than just trying to get closer to God. Our relationship has advanced past the obsession phase, just like the relationship with my wife.

Thinking through this has made some sense out of our tendency to obsess. Although it can be bad (like an addition to drugs) it has purpose in life. How would we fall in love without obsession?